Worried
by AutumnRain1
Summary: A possible conversation or lack there of between Harm and Mac after his mission
1. Default Chapter

Title: Worried 1/1  
  
Author: AutumnRain  
  
Email: autumnrain4@yahoo.com  
  
Category: short ff- H/M  
  
Rating: G  
  
Warning: none  
  
Summary: none  
  
Disclaimer: the characters don't belong to me they belong to DB and  
  
others. Just borrowing them.  
  
Feedback: please, any kind, good or bad, let me have it :)  
  
Archive: you can find this story and others I have written at:  
  
http://Stories.Com/authors/autumnrain  
  
  
  
USS Seahawk  
  
0330  
  
It is 0330 and I find myself outside Harm's cabin. Already berating myself for being about to wake him up after the mission he flew, but knowing I have to tell him what is on my mind and I have to do it now. Too many times like these I have left words go unsaid or said the opposite of how I felt.  
  
I knock once, and before I can rap a second time, it flies open.  
  
"Mac? Are you okay? What's wrong?"  
  
"I am fine" I say as I step in his cabin and shut the hatch. "Perhaps I should be asking you the same thing. I kind of figured you would be asleep...."  
  
I trail off, and he doesn't say anything, we are standing, just looking at each other. I know what I want to say, I just can't figure out how to start it and my throat is constricted as I fight the urge to cry. Once again I could have lost my best friend to a Tomcat. A million things could have gone wrong and he wouldn't have been able to get that damaged aircraft back to the carrier.  
  
Our earlier conversation- the one where he asks if I was worried and my flip reply 'No, of course not' keeps running through my mind. It would not let me sleep, it was what made me take the chance of waking him up.  
  
My courage is fading fast, my throat is getting tighter and my pride is rearing its ugly head- I will not let him see me in tears over him, although right now all I want is to have his arms wrapped around me, holding me while I shed nervous tears for all the what ifs that had been running through my mind as I stood on the bridge listening to the transmissions during his flight. He must see the turmoil in my eyes because he reaches out for me.  
  
"Mac, what is it?" he whispers, his eyes boring into me, wanting to fix whatever is wrong.  
  
Usually that look brings me comfort, but lately when I have been on its receiving end it hurts more that it heals. It maybe foolish or even selfish, but I want him to look at me that way of out of more than friendship. Deep down I know he feels more than just friendship for me, but there is just enough doubt created by some of his actions and words, I would just like a simple confirmation of his feelings for me instead of a 'not yet' or a very confusing 'you will always have someone who loves you'.  
  
I take a step back towards the hatch, feeling for the handle behind me. As I grab it, I gather what is left of my courage and meet his gaze, not letting myself dwell on what I see in his eyes, before my tears let go and I lose the ability to form words instead of just sobs, I say "I was very worried Harm, petrified might be the correct term. I prayed harder than the night you... the night" I couldn't bring myself to say the word 'crashed', "you were coming back from your quals".  
  
I had lost the battle with my tear ducts and the minute I felt one slide down my face, I turned and ran out of his cabin. 


	2. Worried, Too

Title: Worried, Too  
  
Author: AutumnRain  
  
Email: autumnrain4@yahoo.com  
  
Category: short ff- H/M  
  
Rating: G  
  
Warning: none  
  
Summary: none  
  
Disclaimer: the characters don't belong to me they belong to DB and others. Just borrowing them.  
  
Feedback: please, any kind, good or bad, let me have it [pic]  
  
Archive: you can find this story and others I  
  
have written at: http://Stories.Com/authors/autumnrain  
  
  
  
USS Seahawk  
  
0315  
  
I should be asleep. It had been a straight forward mission, right up to the point we lost one engine. My RIO and I kept it together and by some miracle the burner lit just in time and we landed safely. It didn't even register until after the mission debriefing, a shower, and my laying down to sleep. I nearly didn't make it, another Rabb almost taken out by the Rabb Curse. Almost three generations of Rabb men killed or brought down in a Navy aircraft.  
  
I can't get to sleep. I don't know why this is bothering me this much. It isn't as if I haven't had close calls before. What is so different now? Then it hits me… Mac. I remember Bud and Harriet telling me about how badly she took the news of my crashing last May. What would have happened if I had gone down tonight? Last May she was surrounded by her friends. Tonight she had been standing on the Bridge listening to our communications. She had basically been the one to authorize our mission once the targets had been spotted.  
  
I knew Mac, if I had not safely landed- had I been shot down, captured, or had crashed onto the deck of that carrier she would have held herself responsible. 'Every man Mac has been involved with is dead or wished they were.' Yeah, one of my finer moments and tonight, almost another man was added to that list. Only this man never got his head out of his six and allowed himself to get 'involved' with her.  
  
The idea of going to talk to Mac crosses my mind, but she was probably asleep and I didn't want to wake her, but I knew I wasn't going to sleep until I saw her and we would at least try to have that conversation she said she doubted we would ever have back on the Guadalcanal, despite how I feared the outcome.  
  
I know she had wanted more from me at one time, and I would give my wings to be back on that ferry in Sydney and do things differently, but now I don't know. A spiteful nagging, somewhat selfish voice tells me if she really felt that strongly for me, she would never have run straight into BugMe Brumby's arms. That if she had truly loved me, more would have come from our time spent on the Admiral's porch even if it had been her engagement party. Even her comment to me earlier raised doubts… I asked her if she was worried and she said 'no of course not' I would have been terrified had our roles been reversed. But would you have admitted that to her? Would your reply to such a question be any different from hers?  
  
An image of her in tears the night I did crash and her postponement of her wedding came to mind as evidence to the contrary of the doubts I have. But then again would she have gone through with the wedding if Brumby hadn't left her? This argument I was having with myself wasn't a cure for my insomnia…. I couldn't balance the evidence one way or the other. I wish she could just find a way to tell me how she feels, what she wants from me. I need more than a "I am beginning to understand how you feel", a " you'll always have someone who loves you" and a "how about back at the beginning?"  
  
At the beginning of a friendship that, although deep, never goes any further or at the beginning of a friendship that blossoms into a loving relationship? How do I figure this out without destroying the relationship we have now? The fear of pushing her to that point is what really keeps me pacing my cabin instead of going to talk to her now and possibly waking her up.  
  
"knock, knock'  
  
At the sound of someone tapping my hatch, I cross to it in about two strides and swing it open, who would be at….  
  
"Mac. Are you okay? What's wrong?" at first I thought I have imagined her, but no, she is standing at my hatch, just inside now, looking like an insomnia ridden, emotionally drained Marine at full battle mode although so fragile- ready to break.  
  
"I'm fine" she says tightly- too tightly I think. "Perhaps I should be asking you the same thing. I kind of figured you would be asleep…."  
  
I hate seeing her like this and I know that even just by my seeing her in this kind of turmoil adds to her pain.  
  
"Mac, what is it"" I whisper, I am totally focused on her, if she came here under the impression I would be asleep, but felt the need to wake me, something was really bothering her. I reach out to take her hand, but she backs away and my heart breaks a little more for her, for us. One step forward and about ten steps back. How can we go from smiling at each other and me telling her I was glad she was here, to her backing away from offered comfort?  
  
Her voice stops me from moving toward her again. She is barely in control and I get the feeling if I move or speak to loudly she will break and I can't do that to her.  
  
"I was very worried Harm, petrified might be the correct term. I prayed harder than the night you….the night you were coming back from your quals".  
  
I see a tear roll down her cheek just before she turns and flees from my cabin.  
  
I am shocked. I know what that had just cost her both in terms of pieces of her heart and pride. How could I doubt how she feels about me? The truth was right there in front of me- her struggle for control, her admission of fear and that tear she let me see.  
  
Well, how much are you willing to pay? My conscience asks, paraphrasing a question Mac asked me awhile back on another carrier. It gets its answer a split second later when I run out of my cabin after her. 


	3. Worried, Part Three

Title: Worried, Three  
  
Author: AutumnRain  
  
Email: autumnrain4@yahoo.com  
  
Category: short ff- H/M  
  
Rating: G  
  
Warning: none  
  
Summary: none  
  
Disclaimer: the characters don't belong to me they belong to DB and others. Just borrowing them.  
  
Feedback: please, any kind, good or bad, let me have it  
  
Archive: you can find this story and others I have written at: http://Stories.Com/authors/autumnrain  
  
I thought I would feel better letting Harm know the truth, but despite the honesty I shared with him, I couldn't help but feel that the gap between us had been widened just a little further, that the progress we had made had just been undone. It was that notion along with the confused and very hurt look in Harm's eyes when I stepped back away from him that despite my strength and desire to be tough, makes me unable to stop these tears. Thank God the passageway back to my cabin was deserted and I made it back there without anyone noticing me. Now all I had to do was stop this silly crying....and figure out how I am going to face Harm in the morning after my outburst. 0345, well I had about three hours to solve that one.  
  
'knock knock'  
  
I know who it is.... it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out, but if I let him in that hatch, things are going to be said. Things I don't have the will to keep from him anymore, words that could heal, but words that could cause a hurt I don't think I could bear. As much as the tentative truce we have found ourselves in since the Jagathon, has been the source of a few hurts for me, we have managed to salvage a good deal of our friendship and I can't lose that.  
  
"Mac, please...."  
  
Maybe if I am real quiet he will go away.... please Harm, just go, give me some space. I am not ready to talk yet....not yet. Those words sounded so familiar and cut deeply.... had he just been requesting time that night on the ferry?  
  
"Sarah...."  
  
The one word he could have spoken that would have made me open the hatch had just been uttered. I made a hasty attempt at wiping my tears from my face, what good it would do, they were falling just as fast as I could dry them.  
  
"Come in Harm" my voice rough from crying. I watch him as he comes into my cabin, closing and securing the hatch behind him. I try to laugh at his actions, but it comes out more of a snort. What good is locking us in going to do.... one of us will cut and run and a hatch locked from the inside won't prevent that. Someone needs to place a couple of Marine guards outside who will not let us leave. That way we can finish tearing each other to threads instead of doing it day by day, slowly- occasionally patching each other up to either to avoid an end we won't be able to take back or to give ourselves another chance....I don't know which.  
  
He is standing there. I know by his posture he doesn't know what to do or say, but I am not going to be the one to start this. I did this on an Australian ferry, on the admiral's porch, one day in a park after a race, and you might as well say I did it again about ten minutes ago, so this time it is his turn.  
  
TBC 


	4. Worried, Part Four

Title: Worried, Part 4  
  
Author: AutumnRain  
  
Email: autumnrain4@yahoo.com  
  
Category: H/M  
  
Rating: G  
  
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to DB and others. Just borrowing them.  
  
Feedback: please, any kind, good or bad, it is appreciated  
  
Archive: You can find this story and others I have written at:  
  
http://www.Stories.Com/authors/autumnrain  
  
or  
  
http://btlarchive.topcities.com/  
  
  
  
USS Seahawk  
  
0400  
  
Mac's Cabin  
  
I am terrified. There is a little voice telling me that this is the last chance I am going to have to set things right with Mac, and yet here I stand, just watching the tears fall down her face unsure of what to do next. I want nothing more than to take her in my arms and kiss all her tears away, but can't seem to move from this spot. I have to congratulate myself though, although I did run earlier, I was running after her, and I haven't yet taken a step back to unlock that hatch. I fleetingly wish it was locked from the outside as a precaution that I don't do that, or Mac doesn't. She seems to have a penchant for fleeing out the hatch just as I am on the brink of being able to do what she desperately wants from me.  
  
Neither of us can run this time. I honestly don't think either one of us would survive- at least our friendship wouldn't. Despite this knowledge, I still haven't moved. Mac is sitting on her bunk, tears are still streaming down her face, her eyes staring at some point above my right shoulder, carefully avoiding my gaze. I wait for her to say something, yell at me, throw something at me, anything…she has always been the one to let her feelings show, to try to open up to me, but I realize she isn't going to this time. I don't blame her, but it doesn't make the words come out of my mouth any easier. I want to tell her I love her, that she is the reason I get up in the morning and come to work, that she is the only person I have ever let get this close to me. I just don't know how. I am such a sorry excuse for a fighter pilot, we are supposed to be able to think quickly and execute those decisions in a split second. I make an even sorrier lawyer…where is my gift of language and persuasion when I need it the most?  
  
Think quickly and execute… yes, that is it- my first thought when I entered her cabin. I cross the floor and kneel in front of her. Startled she sits up straight and tries to back away, but I won't let her. I take her in my arms and pull her against me, not leaving any room for her to wiggle out of my grasp.  
  
"Let me go Commander" she sobs and struggles against me.  
  
"Shhhhh, not yet Sarah" my throat tightens and I feel tears threatening my eyes, "I didn't mean to scare you like that…I knew you were worried. I was worried too, afraid you would be, that I would leave…." I can't say another word, my voice won't work and my tears are falling just as fast as hers. I wasn't so much afraid for myself crashing or having to bail out over enemy held territory, my thoughts were all on Mac. I didn't know what made it worse- the fact that I might never get to tell her how I feel about her, or despite my never telling her how I felt, I was going to abandon her, just the way my grandfather did my grandmother and my father did my mother and I- knowing that it would impact her just as much as it did them. All my reasoning for not letting a woman get to close to me out the window because despite our never coming out and saying 'I love you' I know she did and I was such an ass for trying to ignore that fact, managing at times to completely believe she didn't love me and at the same time convincing her that I didn't love her.  
  
She has put her arms around me, hugging me tight. I savored this embrace, knowing that sooner or later she was going to pull away from me and I will have to find the words to tell her how I feel, no backing away, no cryptic phrases.  
  
"Harm"  
  
I just didn't expect it this soon…at least I am 'Harm' and not 'Commander'. I pull back just a bit, she is still in my arms, but I can look at her. If I keep her in my arms I will be able to do this. I see her eyes widen at the tears on my face and she reaches up and with a thumb, wipes them away. I smile at her so-familiar gesture and return it. I take her hand and hold it over my heart. My gaze drops to our hands.  
  
"It's yours, you know." Her eyes widen even further, and I am even a bit shocked at my words. It is the gist of what I want her to know, but I hadn't planned for it to come out like that, there is so much more we should discuss, so many of our actions that needed translation- the correct translation before either of us made any declaration of that magnitude. "Well…, that is, I mean…." I let go of her and stand up, I try to back- peddle on instinct before I can tell myself to keep my mouth shut and my body still. I see her heart break all over again in her eyes.  
  
"Go Harm. Just go. I need honesty if you can't or won't give it to me, just go." She whispers as she stands up and walks to the opposite end of the cabin with her back to me.  
  
"No, Sarah, not this time. You want honesty? Fine. I'm afraid. If I walk out that hatch 'we' whatever 'we' are is finished and I don't want that, but if 'we' do this, I am afraid I will hurt you or I will lose you. I feel like I am up shit creek without a paddle here Mac." She wants honesty? Then she is going to get it. I know she is hurting and I have been the cause of it, but just as she really wasn't the only one crying that day I left to go back to flying, she isn't the only one here in pain as I am not the only one here who has caused it.  
  
"Thanks Harm, I didn't know you felt so highly of me. I should have though, you said it once…'any man she has been involved with is either dead or felt like he was'" she parrots my inconsiderate words I had said to Sturgis "You think you feel like your up shit creek? Let me tell you Harm, the feeling is mutual. Somehow I am losing my best friend because I was afraid for him and it really hurts…. Why couldn't you just have left me alone tonight? You always seem to dodge out of our 'hallmark' moments, why now Harm?" she spins around to face me, her voice full of anguish and her eyes flashing with anger.  
  
All my angry resolve flies out the window. I can't stand to see her hurting, and although she needs to know I am hurting too, I can't be vindictive about it.  
  
"I just told you, if I walked away tonight, yes we would be spared 'this', but I know I would lose 'us'. It hurts me too Mac- either way. If I stayed in my cabin tonight I would sit there beating myself up for scaring you and not having the courage to come to you, and here I am, trying to tell you how I feel and not only am I beating myself up for backing away just then, but you are doing it too- that is what I meant. Please Mac…I am trying to let go here, but I am so good at holding on, I don't know how…." I am shaking so hard on the inside, my eyes plead with hers to understand just how much I know is at stake here and that I am trying so hard not to muck it up.  
  
"Do you have any idea how long I have waited and wanted you to tell me that you lo…that you were mine? Do you? No vague 'you will always have someone who loves you', but a straight out declaration of how you feel? I finally hear it and despite every little hurt we have placed on each other, I know that we can get past it and then you pull your usual routine, backing away- that I can't do, I am not ready for that dance to start yet, Harm" resignation resounding in her voice, she stands there, arms folded across herself.  
  
"Not yet…. Those words sound familiar, don't they Sarah?" I say gently as I reach out and take her hands in mine, I see the answer in her eyes. "I just needed time, I didn't mean it the way you took it, as a rejection. That is our ultimate problem isn't it? We say something to each other and each of us seem to hear and read the opposite in the other's words. I am tired of that dance too Sarah. You said you wanted honesty, and I hope you are ready for it because I am as ready as I will ever be to give it. I was afraid. You mean so much to me, our friendship is a rock for me- as much as I want more with you I was too afraid to risk it. I suck at relationships- and the surprise is, I know why- I don't want to let anyone close to me- for their sake and mine. At the risk of sounding like I am throwing myself a pity party, I don't know if I could stand losing you and as irrational as the fear is, I am afraid that I will lose you, lose you like I lost Diane, like I lost my father." I try to loosen the tightness that thought causes me, "On the other hand, I don't want to have someone I love in the position of having a folded flag handed to her because I was doing my duty. At six years old I watched my mother go through that pain and I swore that I would never do that to a woman. I just never realized how much worse it was to deny how I felt."  
  
Her hands tighten on mine, probably still afraid I will run off after letting her hear my feelings. If I am going to run though it isn't because of that, it will be because I am so afraid of her response, I don't know what I am going to do if she tells me to walk out that hatch.  
  
"No, I am not going anywhere, but you asked me to be honest with you and I have been Sarah, now be honest with me. I may not have a right to ask you this, I know you have tried to tell me how you feel, but I need to know what you feel for me. If you still need time, tell me and I promise I will wait, as long as you promise me that we will continue this honesty outside this cabin."  
  
TBC 


	5. Worried Part 5

**Worried, Part 5**

USS Seahawk

0430

            I look at him like he has two heads.  How can this man not know how I feel for him?  I have followed him to the ends of the earth, I basically propositioned him on a ferry in Sydney Harbor , not to mention loosing my fiancé because when I needed a rock in my life I ran to him.

          His grip on my hands has not lessened and I see the confusion, fear, and anguish in his blue eyes not quite hidden by the tears he has barely managed to bring under control and held back.  Then I understood.  For all the times I felt he had to realize my feelings for him through my actions, there were just as many times I had pushed him away, or acted like I could care less about him.  Not for the first time I wonder exactly how we allowed ourselves to get to this point, but this time I know the answer.  We were both afraid of letting go.  I was just afraid of really letting go as Harm.  I knew we were not in any condition to pursue a relationship when we were in Sydney .  Why couldn't that realization have appeared prior to opening my mouth on that ferry?

          I am relieved that I finally know the answer, but it scares me just as much.  How is this going to work?  We may love each other, but both of us feel the need to be in control.  How much longer before Harm goes into emotional overload and walks out on me, or I am the one who takes the walk?  But we don't have the choice of hiding anymore.  Too much has already been said and revealed, we can't walk away without trying. 

            The fear in his eyes is starting to overwhelm the other emotions I see there, and his hands are literally shaking in mine.  I am so afraid of the power I hold over this man.  I don't want to see an ounce of pain in those beautiful eyes, I don't want to see his shoulders slumped in defeat.  Will my love, once expressed hurt him worse than telling him I need time?  Do I really need time?

          I slip my hands from his and at my move his eyes leave mine and I know he has jumped to the wrong conclusion. 

            "Harm, look at me…."  I take his face in my hands.  The broken look he gives me causes my tears to start again and I say the only words that can heal us both, "I love you"

            Once again I find myself wrapped up in his arms as he finally lets go and keeps whispering his love for me over and over in between kisses.  I am still afraid, but something about the comfort of his arms and the knowledge I now have claim to this embrace combined with his sure voice and words of love puts me more at ease than I have been since I first realized how deep my feelings ran for him. 

            There is still more we need to talk about, because if we don't I know it will come back to bite us in the six, but we are too exhausted- physically and emotionally to handle it and I don't want to risk any more miscommunication between us.  I just want to remain here, in his arms, nestled between his strong shoulders.  This was what I wanted from the minute his plane had touched down after the mission, and the relief of finally having what I want where Harm is concerned and the remainder of the fear I felt while listening to the transmissions is to overwhelming and I can't stop the tears.  I wonder what his reaction to this tough Marine sobbing in his arms will be, and I am slightly ashamed of myself, but his reaction is only to pull me tighter in his arms and shedding tears of his own.


End file.
